The Mess Is Not To Miss!


I have always been a person who likes everything clean. If a mess was made I would be the first to help a hand in cleaning it up. Everything has his own place. Every detail should be taken care of. If your household is a mess you join hands in cleaningit up. By putting all to place you get the satisfaction of a job well done. But what about the mess which is not so clear to see?

It’s a mess I say to my self while sitting in a house cleaned up into every detail. It’s a mess I still repeat. What am I talking about? My senses are working fine, my vision is really clear and my effort was well spend but still it’s a mess I hear my self say out loud. The mess I am referring to is not one to touch, not one to see and not one to clean up by physical effort. I wish we could but its complicated. Well explain to me, most friends will say. To avoid the mess inside, I turn out the light, sneak in to a corner and try to disappear. Usually I don’t get tired of cleaning up. I can clean up all day. My mom most of the time told me, when you are cleaning its like your possessed by a demon trying to clean up its mess. I had the strength and will to do so. But this mess is a different level. I tried cleaning it up, but despite the fact that I understood what the mess is about I just shifted it, got to see it better and understood what the mess was about. Knowing what you have to clean up is step number 1. Now that I know I just know. The strength is missing, the will is gone and the patience is used.

The mess I build up is like a thorn in to my eyes. It’s a reflection of my failure, a mirror of my decreasing self-worth and a maze of my unknown future. Well we all have our ups and our downs but what about if you start building your existence in the downs? What about the house you build there, the mess you make there? What about the darkness you live in? I like the dark is my response. It frightens me, but heals my sight. I like the dark. Its comfortable even if it makes it hard to find. Just turn it out!

Note to self:

Just turn it out, It’s better that way,
my eyes are hurting my vision is grey
My voice starts shaking, my words lose sense
My feet are helpless, so are my hands
My tongue is prisoned, my lips are sealed
My head is messy and it wont get healed
My heart is beating a note that tries
My life is blurry cause my vision cries
My inspiration has lost motivation
My inner self is in search of salvation
My sense of breathing is slowing down
My sense of understanding is upsidedown
It takes a minute to realise
A few more minutes to finalize
I told them I am living this crazy ride
But the truth is I lied, I have been death for years but just from the inside


By Sodaba Abibzay




What if it never stops?

equation-for-happiness-2Years back I wrote an article on this blog named “what if?”. I asked myself this question many times after this article and i guess i will be asking myself this question for the years to come. The insecurities, wishes and hopes wont disappear but will only get a new question, new purpose and a new destination . The biggest truth in life is that we often wonder how it could have been or should have been if certain x or y events did or did not happen. So basically life is nothing more than a formula we are not able to solve. My whats will stand for the Y and my ifs will give the answer unknown as X. There is only one constant giving within the formula, cause if I ask the question: “what is certain in life?”, i will only get one answer and that is: “ Death!”.

So basically the Y and the X are equal to D (eath).  I had wished life to be more of rainbows and unicorns but i guess that the struggle never ends. Happiness is not found in ever lasting happy moments but in a few really memorable good moments when life has given you nothing more than pain. Because to solve the formula Y + X = D,  you need to find peace in the Y’s and you need to turn the X’s into a certain solid answer, only then the outcome of your formula will end up positive. After you have lived your life you want to look back on all those days good or bad and cherish its lesson, gift or blessing.

If passing the lessons of life one must alway learn from the past, never regret its history and apply the lesson in the future for a better outcome.

Let yesterday teach your today and tomorrow inspire your today.

By  S.A


Sharper than a Knife..


Feelings sharper than a knife..
Will cut away the pursuit of being alive..
They will kill the longing for tomorrow …
and let you bleed death into your sorrow.

No matter how hard you deny..
You and me both know that your strength is just a lie…
Every new day you start over..
Every night you wont make it sober..

What is the point of trying to cope..
When your heart and mind cant see any hope..
You should move on is the mantra you will hear..
But with that your agony and heartache wont disappear…

Drowning in pain is what is left to do..
When tears break the boundaries of your eyes they ask you “ for who?”
With every tear you will feel the loss..
His words and face will come across..

Closing your eyes may capture the tears..
But that isn’t the way to fight your fears..
Eyes closed trying to ignore…
Your incomplete love that left me soar…

If walking away was the solution..
I would have started that revolution…
Was it my strength that made you walk away?
Or was I not worth it for you to fight and stay?

Were my bags to heavy for you to carry?
Or was it my fault to expect our love to be legendary?

By S.A.

What is your score on life?

question-markEvery relationship has a beginning and an end. Sometimes it is death sometimes faith. We don’t understand the game the universe plays and why it creates meetings, but it also organizes desperate separations. I learned that I was confused with these terms of life. What is the point of loving and caring if you have no guarantee of its lifeline? I hear people complain about their dates going wrong, their friendships being unfaithful or their relatives being beaten up by life and supported by death. But even the biggest complaints still manage to create a bond again and get attached. What is it that people keep on seeking pain? Being blind and still crossing this dangerous road of betrayal with the good hope of finding the way is stated as nonsense. But why does this make sense to so many people? Questions I participate in but can’t answer.

Even if you don’t know the exact answer of a question you get points for describing what you mean. This makes me think of my math tests. My teacher always said: ” Sodaba, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have the right answer but if I see that you understand the process then I will also grant you points.” Every step had a few set of points. Does that also count in life? I don’t know the answer to the question how to be happy but i know what i can do to get near to happiness. The process makes me hold on to hope and love unknown and uncertain of the fact that i will ever get to the answer of life. If life was my teacher and it had given me this lifeline as a test then my anwser sheet would only contain a process of search. The anwser of life is still unanswered but the process made me realize life, its importance and the meaning of the journey.

Every step towards the end will make you uncertain because you don’t know the exact answer, but if you believe in your system and your way of thinking then even the creator will grant you points for answers he has not written for you.


Sodaba Abibzay